The Joy of Colonoscopy

It's 5:15 in the morning. I'm to be at the hospital at 7 for a colonoscopy, which my family has been harassing me to do for several years. I have a little more "prepping" to do, I'll spare you the details. I took the four little pills last night. Little orange pills. Cute little pills. Nuclear fucking bombs.

From my fourth trip out of the bathroom since I awoke, this time I go running back into the bedroom, near to panic. Roxanne dozes, waiting for the 5:30 alarm, which so far has not detonated in her ear.

Detonate? Oh no! Did I say "detonate?" Back to the bathroom I trot.

Ha! Did I say "trot?" Give me a fucking break, enough is enough.


"Roxanne! Wake up! Hurry! Damndest thing I ever saw."


"Wake up! I've never seen anything like this."

"Seen like whug? It's not time to get up yet." Distinctly accusatory.

"I shit green! I swear to God. Green! There's hardly anything left, but what was as grass! I haven't been eating grass. This is scary. I swear, it's fuckin' GREEN!"

No answer. No movement under the covers. No head raising from the pillow to share my panic.

No looks of grave concern, no commiseration, no gaze of awe and wonder. No questions. No sympathy. Only silence from Roxanne. Absolute stillness from under the covers. Stillness that somehow reflects -- annoyance?

Annoyance? How could this be? I might be dying. Doesn't she even care? My guts are rumbling, I'm shitting green, and now my heart is breaking. Why won't she answer?

"Roxanne, wake up! I'm shitting green, I tell you! I think...maybe it's my liver. Maybe I'm shitting my own liver. What the hell is going on...?"

She replies calmly, "Green? You mean green like GREEN JELLO?"



I forgot.

I ate three huge servings of the stuff.

Well, I was starving last night. And they said I could have all that kinda thing I wanted.

Toodeloo. I'm off for my colonoscopy. Have a nice day.